He’s Perfect!

Okay. So, back in 2012 (I think), I came to you to get a nice cat. I wanted an old, black cat. Preferably fully functional.

Some smooth-talking Adoption Coordinator person saddled me with your cat Walt (now Oberon). This cat was (and still is) missing an eye, and has FIV. He is not black. And he’s too young.

This cat has proven completely untrainable. His only ‘skills’ (and the term is used in the loosest sense imaginable) are sleeping, shedding, eating, and defecating. He does not fetch the paper. He does not cook my breakfast. When I asked him to do my taxes, he sat on the forms, and fell asleep.

This cat is useless.

He insists on sleeping with his head on a pillow. With his torso under the covers. This is not normal cat behaviour. The insolent sod sticks his face in mine, and purrs. His purring is too loud. He also puts out extendy bits in the middle of the night, shoving my head off of my pillow.

I have had to spend money buying a bigger bed. Sadly, this has had no effect either on his sleeping behaviour, or on bed space available to me.

I usually nap at 2 p.m. The cat is sufficiently aware of my habits such that he gets angry when I am not lying prone upon the couch at the appointed hour. If I am, he sits on my head. And purrs. Loudly. Sometimes, whilst trying to nap, he sits upon my head, and gives his anus a vigorous licking.  I find this behaviour unpleasant and unsanitary. Especially given that my eyebrows often receive the same lingual attention.

When my partner has a bath, he likes to sit on the side of the tub. The potential for extreme trauma aside, whilst sitting beside the tub, he’s taken to farting. This is noxious behaviour. It is rude and unpleasant. And smelly. This has necessitated the occasional damp, naked, relocations of the cat to a well-aired room. It is disagreeable to have one’s bath interrupted by such behaviour.

The cat also engages in a most insalubrious kind of kneading. He gets all four legs going in a fashion that can only be described as ‘lewd’. He also stares most disconcertingly at me whilst engaged in this unwholesome activity. I have provided him with a fuzzy blanket for his hobby, which I have dubbed his ‘perversion blanket’.

I keep this blanket for use on the guest bed.

In short, this cat is smelly and useless and absolutely no good and completely dysfunctional. You’ve saddled me with a defective cat. You guys totally suck.

I would like a refund on my adoption fee, please. I would also like to be reimbursed for the new bed I had to buy.

And no. You can’t have the cat back. He’s perfect.